Our elbows raise as our eyes lock on to each other. Our hands meet together, powered by the pure adrenaline from the endeavor we just faced. A smile breaks in the focused demeanor on both of our faces. You already know what the fucks going on.
"Hey, Bryan, nice job today! We killed it with that presentation."
And then I don't. My hand halts, my elation falters, and all the adrenaline building up inside me just fades. Bryan? My name's Bryan? Two months of exchanging notes and tips and that will be written on my drivers license? 8 weeks of writing, rehearsing, and re-rehearsing and that's whats on my birth certificate? 56 days of preparation all for this huge day... and that's my name?
I put on a disguise, eyebrows raised, torso tilted back, arms in a fold, and head tilted, signaling my playful distaste for what she said. As she recognizes it she puts her hand in her hair, racking her brain for the name she has seen in all the documents she's received, documents she's ignored, and finally remembers.
"Hey! I know! It's Ryan isn't it." She said it so gleefully, as if it was a huge accomplishment. As if she deserved a huge prize for such a big feat. She recognized the lingering distaste in my eyes and nudged my arm. "Look I'm sorry, but its only been like two months."
HA, Ha, ha. She's right. It only has been two months. Only two months of constant work. Of working shoulder to shoulder. Of bringing an expired topic to life.
Just two months. And then the entire school year before that. And the three years of being in the same middle school. And the entirety of our lives in the same neighborhood.
The day before in class we were relaxing and playing games. One of them was heads up seven up. Its a game where there are five people at the head and everyone else lays down and puts their thumbs up and then the five people pick five random people to put their thumb down to symbolize that they're "it". Then the five would all retreat to the front of the classroom and the five people chosen would get up and try to be chosen.
Those five were like cheerful little kids and we were rocks. They would be collecting the rocks but only choose the one's that looked and felt the nicest, from their view. And I was alone, tossed by the tide, homeless. And when I was finally picked up, I had lost all faith in hopping into the same bucket as everyone else, and crushed by indifference. I waited and waited but was never chosen.
Never really got to, I guess, I was just cast away. Like a teddy bear in a garage, thrown out with no one to play.
And after they would all talk, all about having parties and going to the movies and hanging at the park, while I would huddle at a corner, waiting for time to pass, for the day to end. And then the next day when I found myself in the same situation the same yearning occurred.
Don't get me wrong I have friends. Sorry, I meant "friends". Friends from school, friends from elsewhere. Friends that ask me questions about the homework, friends I give swimming pointers to, friends that I help learn our violin pieces.
They're all my friends. At least I think so, can't tell. Cause when the checks clear they're not here, like they don't care, but its not like there’s anywhere else I can go, to confirm the fears the I don't even know.
"We've known each other since forever, it really is an accomplishment for you not to know."
Her heart was in the right place, I can't really blame her for that.
"Oh come one, Bryan, Ryan. I got it. Kinda."
And so for another fleeting moment I fit in. Kinda.
The novel is arguably Arnav's greatest satiric attempt to “shame men out of their vices”. The structure and the choice of metaphors also serve Swift’s purpose of attacking politics, religion, morality, human nature and of course colonialism which is at the heart of the novel.
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