The sky above the nightclub was dead. Like the color of one of those old TV's turned on to a extinct channel. It wasn't particularly ominous in the way that it sounded like, that was just how it was. Spent. Foreboding. It wasn't an isolated event, this was how the sky looked, how it felt like ever since I've come. I've heard it always like that, ever since apathy had slowly showered everyone in the city, enveloping them in the sense of the not yet, not fun, and the not too wonderful. As I got out of the cab I looked straight, making a point to look straight, knowing if I ever looked any other way I would succumb to the indifference of the hookers not trying to make money as much as relief themselves of loneliness and the homeless trying, in vain to find someone else to believe in them, anyone, even themselves, indifference that I feared would take over me. I head in the back, the front was crowded with people, teens trying to have a night to remember, adults having a night to repeat, and senile trying to have a night to forget.
I stepped in and immediately headed to the bathroom. I always did, I needed to. The dirt and grime would gradually grow, become insurmountable with every action to where I couldn't even look through mirror without grimacing in disgust. Wait. No. No that was a lie. I couldn't care less about what I looked like. I was trying to wash off the feelings, the remainder of uncaringness that took control of everyone else, things that would only take a matter of the smallest infraction for me to follow. But it was impossible to do, because the second I got out the feeling would hit me again, then I would need to wash my hands again, and then I would go out again and the same cycle would hit me before I too succumbed to the indifference. Then no, not the bathroom, backstage.
I pulled headphones out of my pocket and switched my phone onto some music channel. It didn't matter which, it didn't matter what, I just needed the music. I didn't particularly like the music which seems particularly ironic to the people that would pass me backstage but I didn't care, it helped with one thing. It drowned everything out, the noise, the feelings, the hope. Through some of the gaps in the curtains I would watch the people. Not the performers but the audience. I knew the performers, they were the same as me, trying to use music as a faucet to escape the dullness, but never being good enough to do so. I liked the audience they all had something different about them. Don't get me wrong they were the same detached freaks as the rest of the town but each had something different about them. Some were happy with the music, just looking for something to focus on. Others were dragged there and others were just there for the beer, but what made them interesting was the vast differences. It made it fun trying to embody myself in their life, because it made it one second less where I had to be a part of my own.
The manager walked up to me and crouched down to get to my level. "D, you ready?" This was it, the crossroads that I was at yesterday, the night before that, and the many nights preceding, confused without a road map or anything else to guide me. When faced with the unknown you have two options, the first, the one that most people do is turn around and head back. The second was obviously the one of honor, to strike ahead and shed more light in the face of darkness. I hadn't felt honor in a long time, and the feeling wasn't coming back now. I shook my head and saw the hope falling from his face. He didn't try to force me, he knew he was fruitless, but instead he asked why I wouldn't when I had good songs and could sing and play well. The crowd out there, the people in here, the public of the town were all apathetic. Of course I could sing well but the people of the needed- no I needed something more. I needed to sing something that could help them, help me break out of this careless cycle. I wanted to sing something that would make someone feel something. But I couldn't. I wasn't good enough.
I left the club, there wasn't anything left for me there. There never really was I suppose, no matter how much I wanted, there wasn't anything different from the first day of hesitation to this today of reconciliation with it. I decided, once and for all I would set a wall between me and that place. It's kinda funny, boundaries were created as beautiful things, between the ocean and the shore, the mountains and the plains, the valleys and the river. But today I would set a boundary and those people. Well, not the people, I could imagine they felt as frustrated as I did, but a boundary between all of us and our conscience. The wall between man and mind's mind. The border of man and his greatest weapon. One that can only come down with the death of the other.
And If Only For Just a Second
Our elbows raise as our eyes lock on to each other. Our hands meet together, powered by the pure adrenaline from the endeavor we just faced. A smile breaks in the focused demeanor on both of our faces. You already know what the fucks going on.
"Hey, Bryan, nice job today! We killed it with that presentation."
And then I don't. My hand halts, my elation falters, and all the adrenaline building up inside me just fades. Bryan? My name's Bryan? Two months of exchanging notes and tips and that will be written on my drivers license? 8 weeks of writing, rehearsing, and re-rehearsing and that's whats on my birth certificate? 56 days of preparation all for this huge day... and that's my name?
I put on a disguise, eyebrows raised, torso tilted back, arms in a fold, and head tilted, signaling my playful distaste for what she said. As she recognizes it she puts her hand in her hair, racking her brain for the name she has seen in all the documents she's received, documents she's ignored, and finally remembers.
"Hey! I know! It's Ryan isn't it." She said it so gleefully, as if it was a huge accomplishment. As if she deserved a huge prize for such a big feat. She recognized the lingering distaste in my eyes and nudged my arm. "Look I'm sorry, but its only been like two months."
HA, Ha, ha. She's right. It only has been two months. Only two months of constant work. Of working shoulder to shoulder. Of bringing an expired topic to life.
Just two months. And then the entire school year before that. And the three years of being in the same middle school. And the entirety of our lives in the same neighborhood.
The day before in class we were relaxing and playing games. One of them was heads up seven up. Its a game where there are five people at the head and everyone else lays down and puts their thumbs up and then the five people pick five random people to put their thumb down to symbolize that they're "it". Then the five would all retreat to the front of the classroom and the five people chosen would get up and try to be chosen.
Those five were like cheerful little kids and we were rocks. They would be collecting the rocks but only choose the one's that looked and felt the nicest, from their view. And I was alone, tossed by the tide, homeless. And when I was finally picked up, I had lost all faith in hopping into the same bucket as everyone else, and crushed by indifference. I waited and waited but was never chosen.
Never really got to, I guess, I was just cast away. Like a teddy bear in a garage, thrown out with no one to play.
And after they would all talk, all about having parties and going to the movies and hanging at the park, while I would huddle at a corner, waiting for time to pass, for the day to end. And then the next day when I found myself in the same situation the same yearning occurred.
Don't get me wrong I have friends. Sorry, I meant "friends". Friends from school, friends from elsewhere. Friends that ask me questions about the homework, friends I give swimming pointers to, friends that I help learn our violin pieces.
They're all my friends. At least I think so, can't tell. Cause when the checks clear they're not here, like they don't care, but its not like there’s anywhere else I can go, to confirm the fears the I don't even know.
"We've known each other since forever, it really is an accomplishment for you not to know."
Her heart was in the right place, I can't really blame her for that.
"Oh come one, Bryan, Ryan. I got it. Kinda."
And so for another fleeting moment I fit in. Kinda.
"Hey, Bryan, nice job today! We killed it with that presentation."
And then I don't. My hand halts, my elation falters, and all the adrenaline building up inside me just fades. Bryan? My name's Bryan? Two months of exchanging notes and tips and that will be written on my drivers license? 8 weeks of writing, rehearsing, and re-rehearsing and that's whats on my birth certificate? 56 days of preparation all for this huge day... and that's my name?
I put on a disguise, eyebrows raised, torso tilted back, arms in a fold, and head tilted, signaling my playful distaste for what she said. As she recognizes it she puts her hand in her hair, racking her brain for the name she has seen in all the documents she's received, documents she's ignored, and finally remembers.
"Hey! I know! It's Ryan isn't it." She said it so gleefully, as if it was a huge accomplishment. As if she deserved a huge prize for such a big feat. She recognized the lingering distaste in my eyes and nudged my arm. "Look I'm sorry, but its only been like two months."
HA, Ha, ha. She's right. It only has been two months. Only two months of constant work. Of working shoulder to shoulder. Of bringing an expired topic to life.
Just two months. And then the entire school year before that. And the three years of being in the same middle school. And the entirety of our lives in the same neighborhood.
The day before in class we were relaxing and playing games. One of them was heads up seven up. Its a game where there are five people at the head and everyone else lays down and puts their thumbs up and then the five people pick five random people to put their thumb down to symbolize that they're "it". Then the five would all retreat to the front of the classroom and the five people chosen would get up and try to be chosen.
Those five were like cheerful little kids and we were rocks. They would be collecting the rocks but only choose the one's that looked and felt the nicest, from their view. And I was alone, tossed by the tide, homeless. And when I was finally picked up, I had lost all faith in hopping into the same bucket as everyone else, and crushed by indifference. I waited and waited but was never chosen.
Never really got to, I guess, I was just cast away. Like a teddy bear in a garage, thrown out with no one to play.
And after they would all talk, all about having parties and going to the movies and hanging at the park, while I would huddle at a corner, waiting for time to pass, for the day to end. And then the next day when I found myself in the same situation the same yearning occurred.
Don't get me wrong I have friends. Sorry, I meant "friends". Friends from school, friends from elsewhere. Friends that ask me questions about the homework, friends I give swimming pointers to, friends that I help learn our violin pieces.
They're all my friends. At least I think so, can't tell. Cause when the checks clear they're not here, like they don't care, but its not like there’s anywhere else I can go, to confirm the fears the I don't even know.
"We've known each other since forever, it really is an accomplishment for you not to know."
Her heart was in the right place, I can't really blame her for that.
"Oh come one, Bryan, Ryan. I got it. Kinda."
And so for another fleeting moment I fit in. Kinda.
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