The Climb for an Ever Tall Mountain

      In school whenever we happen to take a project it feels as if I always have to take charge. There is an air of expectancy for me to rise up to and match. Usually, I'm able to without too much difficulty. Yet, others fail to recognize the importance of those assignments. And so I have to pick up the unwanted slack. So when the grade comes in, and its lower than I had expected it to be I blame myself. That's what we're taught to do from and early age isn't it? To assume responsibility instead of evading it. Still, with those duties piling up one by one those perpetuated actions become the ideal. But lately it seems as if those expectations are becoming converged from my work life to my personal one. And always, without doubt, I seem to mess things up.  I fail to... arise to the occasion. 

     Lately, though, I've been wondering, is it my fault, or is it the fault of the illusion for the ground works of the fallacy which have caused repeated nuisances for me and all of their misgiving's fault. I mean to say that suppose an occasion such as a speech is to be given be one and it's performed by someone who has done well for them self. And assume that you have great expectations for that event, and you empathize it to be a glorious becoming. But, something was missing, perhaps it was the suitable level of confidence or there was a wrong word choice but something didn't sit well and you become disappointing in him for not bringing your fantasy to life.
     That's how I imagine most people feel like around me during times of importance. In school I'm known as one of the best speech givers. But really, I hate talking in front of people yet I do it all the time in front of other people don't I? Then it must be a contradiction mustn't it. It is possible to not ever have a contradiction, check your premises, you will find one of them is false. I do not care for public speaking that is not what I get high off. It's the power I receive from it.  Power to influence, power to assert dominance, power to create a greater illusion of myself then what I really am.
     Some people say that the fetish for power corrupts. I disagree, I believe fear for the loss of power corrupts. I don't know for sure but I think that's one of the main reasons I allow the illusion that I am this great public speaker to live on, To immerse myself into someone else, to act totally differently and be in total control. But mainly, just to get away from everything else. I guess that's what inspired my favorite hobby: running. Just leave the injunctions of the present day behind and get to experience a change to new scenery, to new possibilities, to a new world.